The world screamed at me that I am not enough the other day. The voices inside my head infiltrated my mind.
“I am not enough, I never have been and I never will be!”
I found myself shopping for new clothes, something I haven’t done for years. I purged all of my pharmaceuticals suits and dress clothes when I left behind the corporate world.
I was in need of an updated wardrobe for a wedding. It’s not that I am against buying new clothes, it’s just that it isn’t how I am choosing to spend my money right now.
As the sales attendant was helping me put an outfit together, I thought I would take a look at the price tag out of curiosity. I was thinking $75 for the shirt. I was willing to spend that amount of money on the shirt and about the same for the pants.
Then I saw the actual price for a regular white button down shirt. It was $295 and the pants she paired with it was also $295.
I had a WTF moment. When did a shirt and a pair of pants cost $600?
What about the shoes and belt? How much does that cost? I already borrowed a blazer.
So I could go to the wedding in my bare feet and my pants falling down without a belt. Or I could go like Jamie Tartt from Ted Lasso and just wear the blazer and say the hell with the shirt.
I pretended to be calm, cool and collected in the store letting the sales attendant know that I was going to take some time to think about it.
As I left the store I experienced deep shame feeling like my manhood was being called into question.
Spending $600 on a shirt and pair of pants would prove that I am successful, right? It would prove to the world that I am powerful because I can go into a store and not give a damn what the price tag says.
I couldn’t shake the feeling of unworthiness, thinking if I was a real man I should be able to spend that amount of money on clothes. If I was truly successful in life I wouldn’t blink an eye on spending $600.
There those voices go again, “I am not enough and I never will be.”
No matter how much good I do and how good a person I am, it feels like it is never enough.
What I see now is that I could have bought that shirt, pants, a nice belt and cool pair of shoes if I really wanted to. I chose not to.
I Get To Define What Success Means to Me
I am making less money now than when I was in the pharmaceutical industry. Going to a job that was outside my true nature as a pharmaceutical rep, I felt my soul dying a little bit every day.
I made over six figures and I was miserable. I chose to leave the pharmaceutical industry because I was unfulfilled. My truth is money doesn’t make me happy.
I love what I do as an inner transformation coach and writer. It’s what I am meant to do. It’s not work to me. I am more fulfilled than ever.
I asked myself this question,
“What does success mean to me?”
I am the only one who gets to define my success.
The world doesn’t get to define my success.
Social media doesn’t define my success.
Friends and family don’t get to define my success.
My definition of success means being fulfilled doing what I love, having time freedom and financial freedom.
So shut up inner critic.
Self-fulfillment Is Success
Can self-fulfillment be my new definition of manhood?
I keep bumping up against this feeling of never being enough.
I thought I did the healing work around this but the wound runs deeper than I could have ever imagined. I feel like this wound has been exposed like never before and someone is pouring rubbing alcohol on it. It hurts, but I also know that it will lead to a deeper level of healing.
Smoke and Mirrors
People look at me like I have it all together. How could you ever possibly feel like you are not enough?
I got really good at smoke and mirrors.
My public persona exudes health, confidence and vitality.
My past conditioning told me I have to be more, do more, make more money and perform more to feel like I am enough.
That is the deepest wound that I am healing.
I am tired of not feeling like I am not enough.
I am enough because of who I am.
It doesn’t matter that I don’t want to buy a $295 shirt. Someday I know I will be able to go back into that store and buy whatever I want without caring what the price tag says, if I choose to do that. If not, that doesn’t define my worthiness as a man.
I have always believed I will make more money doing what I love. I will make exponentially more money than when I was in the pharmaceutical industry.
But that won’t make me any more of a man than I am right now, that isn’t the point.
The point is that I am unlimited.
I am abundant.
I Am a Powerful Immortal Soul
I am a powerful immortal soul made in the image of God and the substance of God.
That alone makes me enough, I just forget that sometimes.
I get knocked off my center when I believe what the world says about me. I am not good enough if I can’t buy this or look a certain way or make a lot of money. That’s all delusional thinking.
I get knocked off center when I don’t believe the truth of who I am.
I get to choose how I see myself and how I show up in the world.
I am enough and so are you.
I just might go shirtless to the wedding. Wouldn’t that be fun? If Jamie Tartt can do it, so can I.
Inner Transformation Coach